if it's not a hell yes...

why the language around the "baby decision" SUCKS

If you’ve ever had a conversation about the decision on whether or not to have a child, you’ve probably heard if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no. This is a common phrase used by people meant to express how enthusiastic or sure you have to be before having a child.

(and I hate it)

The decision on whether or not to have a child is, of course, a massive one. Yes, you should be all in on the notion that you will love your child, that will you care for them. I understand the general meaning of the phrase, but many people take it to a level of black-and-white that feels dismissive. It leaves no room for rational thinking, for worry. The phrase is perfect for something like choosing a certain dress to purchase, not something as nuanced and critical as having a baby.

A lot of the discourse about the baby decision (which I try very hard to avoid) shames people for even expressing a concern.

A person could ask a question as simple as, “I’m worried my marriage will suffer when we have a baby” or “I’m scared of how my body will change” and people will be quick to reply, “Then don’t have a baby! It needs to be 100 percent certainty!”

And that’s just not fair. People acknowledge risks and still make big, amazing decisions. I made big decisions by moving countries and getting married. Those are things I feel really good about now but at the time, I would never have been able to say with complete certainty that it would be the best, most perfect decision. It’s not easy to see the positive payoffs until you’re in it. The hardships? The sleepless nights and the stress? Well, those are easier to envision.

We should all hope that the people who bring children into this world are the ones who give it a lot of thought, the ones who weigh the pros and cons, the ones who worry.

I have to wonder if the people who give the advice “if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no” are realizing it’s now harder to have a child than they imagined so they themselves are wishing they’d given it more thought. Either way, it comes across as a form of gatekeeping, as though you could possibly never join the world of parents if these are the sort of thoughts you’re having. It used to make me feel like there was something wrong with me, like I’d be a bad parent if I couldn’t “commit” the way that people insisted I need to. It gave me so much doubt!

Yes, I do think about the “baby decision” a lot (and have read the wonderful book The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri). Trust me when I say I do not take this decision lightly and because of that, I may be a hopeful and nervous yes.

I may be an optimistic and realistic yes.

But I will never be a “hell yes.”